Finality
by peterpanda94
Summary: She had reached the end...she wondered why it couldn't be just that easy. Why can't I just throw them away? Chuck finds out two of Blair's biggest secrets...in one night! Possible future episode spoilers... Now extending the story!
1. Mistakes Made In Blood

Finality: Chuck and Blair

"**Stab my back**

**It's better when I bleed for you."**

~All American Rejects "Stab My Back"

-

Blair had reached the end. She marked the bottom of the sheet, and then threw away her many mistakes that scattered her desk and floor, thinking all the while why it couldn't be just that easy.

_Why can't I just throw them away?_

She licked the envelope. "Ow!" The taste of her own blood filled her mouth. A paper cut on her tongue. How bittersweet. She thought twice about sending the letter. Maybe the blood was a sign. Blair fell back on her bed and tucked the letter into her desk so she wouldn't make any rash decisions.

She tried to think through this reasonably. If she sent the letter, there would be no going back. If she didn't, she'd be stuck this way forever. Both ways, she didn't want to have to face him after this decision. Why hadn't she just told him in the first place? God, this was all happening too fast. She thought back to the time she had overheard a conversation between Eric and Lily van der Woodsen. Only a month ago.

-


	2. Burden

-

"**The heavier the burden, the closer our lives come to the earth, the more real and truthful they become."**

~"The Unbearable Lightness of Being"

_Flashback—Blair's memory (one month earlier)_

_Blair was freezing, but she didn't care. She was almost there anyway. Instead of wearing the heavy, practical coat she should've worn, she wore the fashionably feather-light plaid swing coat that matched perfectly with her headband. Now she was paying the price. And seriously, who walks in the winter? I guess Blair Waldorf does._

_She pranced into the hallway and rang up to the penthouse, frustrated when Serena didn't answer. She was probably asleep or on the phone or something. She didn't mind. She rang up the elevator and went to the highest floor, stepping out and dusting herself off from the snow outside. Then she heard voices. One male and one female._

"_Mom, it's not that easy!" Blair almost started when she heard the voice. It was deep, but not in Chuck's range just yet. It was Eric van der Woodsen. Blair relaxed slightly._

"_Honey," a woman's voice soothed, "I was young. Foolish. I didn't know what I was doing, but the one thing I can tell you is that I wish I hadn't had to do it. I wish that there were some way that I could have been able to stay where I was. And you—"_

"_I what?!," Eric yelled at his mother. "I'm not crazy! I can't believe you didn't tell me that you were in a hospital like me! How could you do it?"_

_Lily was crying by now. Blair stepped back just a little, unsure whether she should just run or hide. But then she heard Lily speak softly. "Eric. You can't imagine how hard it is to give up something like that. Something so much a part of yourself and of the person you love…" She trailed off and Blair heard Eric patting her on the back. He ushered her away, possibly to her room. Blair did not come out until he reappeared. She acted as if she had heard nothing of their private conversation._

"_Hey Eric!" she bubbled nervously. "Where's Serena?"_

_Eric looked at her, and then smiled. "She's in her room. Go on up."_

_Blair walked past him slowly, and then turned to see him making some tea for his mother._

"_Hey…Eric?" Blair stumbled over her words. Eric looked up. "Tell Lily to feel better. She sounded sad."_

_Eric's face showed no shock at her eavesdropping. He just nodded and she raced up to Serena's room._

_Flashback End_

_-_


	3. Cycles

_-_

"**I know the season's evolved to a freeze**

**Putting hearts in the balance here**

**It's up to your knees**

**And it's shifting degrees**

**And it's choking your atmosphere."**

~TV On The Radio "Shout Me Out"

Blair hadn't thought of that conversation again until now. She had contemplated it's meaning endlessly for hours and had come to the conclusion that Lily had probably had an abortion or some other child that she had given up for adoption. But that was a long time ago. Now it was common knowledge that Serena and Dan might share some kind of half-brother or sister from their parents' 80's love affair. The idea just made Blair shudder.

Suddenly she felt very nauseous. Blair ran to the bathroom, pulling up the seat and throwing up. This felt wrong somehow. The binging and purging cycle of Blair's life was being broken. Leave it to _him_ to ruin even her most solid routine. Now she couldn't even get release through this. Blair sat down on the tiled floor of her bathroom and leaned her head against the cold, tiled wall. She closed her eyes and before she knew it, she drifted to sleep.

_-_


	4. A Lover and a Fighter

-

"**I'd take another chance, take a fall, take a shot for you**

**And I need you like a heart needs a beat, but it's nothing new."**

~One Republic "Apologize"

A slight shove, and Blair was awake in seconds. The light flashing in her eyes blinded her. Her eyes adjusted enough to see someone standing in the doorway. She felt it instantly, the urge to run. That look in his eyes seemed to say everything. It was the cold, calculating look in his icy eyes that he reserved for when he was either drunk off his ass or extremely mad. But she was paralyzed by this look. There was more to it than she thought possible. All at once, he was a lover and a fighter.

For some reason, Chuck didn't even feel the need to say anything. He just stood there and paralyzed her with his eyes. How could she? After all that they'd been through, now she did this to him? What confused him the most though, was why he even cared enough to come here. And why it was he and not Nathaniel. But Serena had said he needed to fight for her and that's what he was here to do.

Blair somehow found the willpower to stand up. Chuck involuntarily moved to help her, but she didn't know why. She was somewhat steadier on her feet than she was on the ground. On the ground, she was below him. She was more vulnerable. She went to leave the bathroom. She took a step forward and he took a step back. This pattern repeated until he had backed into her room, around the bed to the other side so that she stood on one side of her bed and he stood on the other.

This situation had presented itself to them before, but this moment was so different from that one. It was hard to believe that the atmosphere had changed so dramatically in less than 2 months. _Lust, greed, submission, relief, _Chuck thought, registering the feelings both he and Blair had felt in this very room, on this very bed. And maybe even Nathaniel. But he didn't know. And he couldn't bring himself to think of anyone else claiming what he already knew was his; what he had marked as his own. And she had marked him too. Her ruby red lips had parted and screamed _his_ name first. This brought him an intense wave of pleasure.

"Why are you here?" Blair managed to say softly. She wanted to scream it, but it didn't seem necessary. Their last encounter had been proof enough of how she had felt. At least then, at that moment in time. She wasn't even counting their encounter in the snow because that hadn't even been a conversation. Blair and Chuck's last encounter had not been one of great pleasure. Blair had cried and Chuck had mourned for his past life and for his one true love. But Blair had been unwilling to let him even come into her penthouse, turning him down at the elevator. At that moment, their games had stopped and they were just two scared kids who were hopelessly in love with each other. But it didn't matter. None of it mattered. That had been the second time in Chuck's life that he had given roses to a girl. Ironically, both times had been with Blair and both times he had been rejected. Why was he here? He knew this could only bring more pain for both of them. But Serena had pleaded desperately with him and he couldn't pass up the chance to see Blair again.

"For you," Chuck whispered. He turned around and sat down on her bed, his back facing her, and put his head in his hands. He couldn't speak for a couple of minutes. He couldn't speak, not after what he had just seen. And smelled. And now Blair was acting as if nothing had happened; as if nothing was wrong. Blair was worried that he was drunk. She moved instinctively towards him, across the bed.

"What's wrong?" she asked softly, moving her hand to his shoulder softly to comfort him.

-


	5. Barriers and Bulimia

-

"**T****ell me, just how dangerous is second best?**

**You've settled for less and I'm sure you'll settle again."**

~Taking Back Sunday "I'll Let You Live"

"_What's wrong?" she asked softly, moving her hand to his shoulder softly to comfort him._

Chuck whipped around, glaring at her. He wished he had never come to her apartment now. Now he saw her, all of her. The perfection in her eyes had dulled and all he saw was her perfect little ruby lips, which he had kissed so many times, opening and spilling out her dinner, her dessert, and her soul. He cringed and, for the first time in months, he felt like something within him was dying. He felt as though Blair had killed herself in front of him. He felt like he had when Bart had died. The pain was unbearable. The perfection he had always seen in her, had always admired, was now marred and twisted. Blair drew back her hand swiftly and rocked back on the bed so she could maintain a safe distance from Chuck.

"What do you mean what's wrong?" Chuck snarled. Although he thought the perfection was gone, Chuck still felt Blair's hold on him, his love for her, the _need_ for her. The need for her mind, her body, her soul. All of her. He put his head in hands again and breathed deeply, then looked up at Blair, wishing he could breathe her soul and her life back into her. "Everything's wrong! This is wrong. And apparently, I was wrong too." Chuck's voice lowered to a menacing level on the last part, threatening to kill. He had thought she was perfect. Chuck had never really been a very violent person, especially around Blair. He had always been careful and caring and delicate with her. But now he felt as thought he could rip something apart, throw something at a wall, _anything _to make this unbearable pain go away. Blair flinched at the pain in his voice that was concealed behind the anger and agony. She just stared at him, waiting until he maintained his composure.

"What do you mean?" Blair asked softly, wondering how she had got here.

That was it. Chuck lost all control of his mind and let his body take over. And then he was breaking things, anything he could reach. He threw glasses at the wall. A bottle of liqueur. A shoe. Then he threw himself at the wall and beat his fists into it, hoping he could break down those invisible walls that held Blair from letting him help her. All he wanted to do was help. But Chuck had never helped. He didn't know what to do. So he resorted to the one thing he knew: he got angry.

Chuck got up then strode around to her side of the bed, pushing open her bathroom door violently. "You think I don't know what you just did in there?" he asked her with pain in his voice. Blair stared at him blankly, still shocked by his sudden outbreak of anger. This side of Chuck scared her. He had never been rough with her, had never said a harsh word to her while they had been together. He had always been unnaturally and unusually nice to her, so unlike himself. She was secretly terrified of this side of him. She had always been afraid it would be too much for him one day and then, on that day, he would snap. And then it hit her. The throwing up. She gasped and started to plead with him.

"No," Blair said. "Chuck… That isn't what it actually looks like…it's…something different. I haven't done that in—" Blair cut off suddenly and put her hand over her mouth. She had definitely said too much in her relief. Chuck's eyes got huge as he turned around to face her. His worst fears had just been confirmed in those five words her lips had just formed. He tried hard not to think of what had also come out of those lips that night. In two strides he got on the bed and shook her shoulders.

"What did you do to yourself Blair?" he asked her gently, already knowing. When she didn't respond, he shook her harder and screamed it. "WHAT DID YOU DO?"

"I purged," Blair whispered, and she lowered her head to his chest. He shook her violently, then she seemed to collapse into him and she shook with sobs. He responded by trying to shake her to life. In doing so, he seemed to want to shake himself to life, for he had lost something. Chuck felt soulless and empty at the knowledge of Blair's sickness. As soon as she looked up at him, he blocked off his mind by making his eyes cold. Chuck didn't want Blair to see him falling apart like this over her. She couldn't care less anyway. She sniffed and looked up at the cold, angry eyes that were still there, guarding something.

"Why?" was his question for her. His voice was filled with pain. She just stared at him, but didn't say anything. She shook her head. He shook her again, but she pushed him off her. She couldn't tell him this now. That was personal and it would give him too much power over her. But he didn't shake her now; he held her at an arm's length and looked at her. She hung her head and he whispered, "Blair…"

She looked up to see his eyes unguarded and open. The pain in them was too much for her and she couldn't even think. And so she started talking.

"It all started when I was 14…" she began, the pain letting itself out. She began to recount the story of her bulimia. How it had gotten worse as she and Nate had hit a rough spot. Serena had come back and it had taken a worse dive until she had been hospitalized. Then she had regained her position and fought it off until she and Nate had broken up. Blair told Chuck all of this willingly, without a hint of pain in her voice. She was over this now. Over Nate and Serena and the thought of them together. The next part was harder though.

"What happened then?" Chuck whispered when Blair stopped.

"I…" Blair began. "That night…in the limo." She struggled for words as they both remembered then passion of that night. Her first time and she had lost it to him. "After that, it didn't happen again for a couple of weeks. I was…" Blair trailed off. This was getting too personal. Chuck lifted her chin and whispered, "You were what?"

"Happy," Blair whispered back, then pain visible in her eyes. The tears threatened to overflow, but she pushed them back. She didn't want to make Chuck angry again.

"I was happy with you," Blair continued. "Then the cotillion and Nate—honestly it got worse then because I knew we weren't meant to be together anymore. I could still feel the insecurity when he looked at Serena and then me with two different sets of eyes. And it only got worse when he wasn't like you… And then we broke up for good and my mother got worried and I went to Serena, but she and I got in a fight over you, and I went to you and you—you-" Blair's tears overflowed. "You called me an Arabian. You made me feel useless. And I almost went to France, I almost ran because it was getting worse and I needed help. But then Serena was there and she convinced me to stay and fight. And I did, but I had lost my position, my crown. And after that, you and Nate couldn't stand to look at me because I was such a slut." Blair spat the last word and shut her eyes tight the image of Chuck's expression that night at the bar instantly shooting pains straight to her heart. "I couldn't even believe myself. And I tried to fight it for the first few months, but it continued. And then the wedding came and you looked at me like you cared and, for once, I didn't want to be anything other than what I was. I wanted to be me and I wanted to be with you. And then…" Chuck winced at the next memory. The helipad. "You left me. And I had to be sent to a hospital in France because my father couldn't help me control it. And it got very bad. Every night…."

The tears continued to roll down her face. She sobbed at the memory and covered her mouth to suppress it. "Every night I dreamed of you. And the dreams made me feel wanted again. Then I would wake up and you wouldn't be there and I felt useless and worthless all over again and…. I would need to do it again. But that time in the Hamptons when you didn't say it, I was hurt. I felt so useless. Like I was someone who could be used then thrown away. But then we played our games. We played and tortured each other until that night in Brooklyn, on the rooftop."

Chuck looked at her with sorrow. This was too much for him, yet not enough. He didn't want to hear all the reasons in her life that had made her do this to herself. He had been one of them and it killed him. But the anger had drained out of him and now it was replaced by self-loathing. He hated himself, loathed himself, for this. He had done many things to Blair, but this had to be the worst.

"And I wanted to say it. I did. But we couldn't. And it killed me. And we agreed to wait for the future, but I didn't want to wait and it was like you were cutting open my heart. And that last night before the accident…The Snowflake Ball. I felt like I might be happy just the way we were. But then it all spiraled down and you were gone. And I told you I loved you and you slammed the door right in my face. And you left me and you were _gone_ for_ a month_." Blair openly sobbed now and she leaned against his shirt, soaking it. "But then you were back and I helped you and I felt like I was helping…And it slowed for a while. And then you were sober and we were together and it stopped. But then, at the brunch when you called me your wife," Blair whispered, coming to the end of her story. "You made it sound like the dirtiest word in the world. And I couldn't help but thinking that maybe it was because of me. That it was my fault and that there was something wrong with me. And I couldn't accept your apology. And I needed to do it again. And again. And," Blair trailed off, "again."

She finished nothing short of sobbing into his dress shirt. Chuck held her for a long time and rubbed her back, telling her it was going to be OK until her breathing returned to normal. Blair breathed hard and heavy. She couldn't believe she had just confessed all those things to Chuck Bass. The boy she had known all her life. Second in everyone's eyes, even his father's. The boy with the signature scarf. The little boy who was lost. And who had grown up to be lost. The boy who had hurt her so many times. The boy she hated…and loved. Loved with all her heart. And yet it still hadn't been enough. It still wasn't enough.

"Blair," Chuck whispered. "I'm sorry that I made you do those things to yourself. I'm sorry other people made you do those things to yourself. But you need help. Right now." Blair shook her head, her eyes wide open in distress and fear. "It will all be private, I promise," Chuck said. But Blair shook her head and fought to get out of his grip. He struggled to hold her so that she could calm down.

"I don't want your help," Blair spit out at him. She needed him to stop pretending like he cared. If he did, maybe this would all be easier. Maybe she could go back to whatever normalcy her life had once held. And they could finish this game once and for all.

"CAN YOU STOP?" she screamed as she tried to get out of his vice-like grip. "IT'S DANGEROUS FOR THE BA-" In her rush of emotion, Blair had once again been careless with her words.

She stopped short and Chuck stared at her unmoving. His face registered pain, betrayal, anger, and defeat. And the most piercing of all his emotions, intense sorrow. Blair felt as though an arrow had hit her right through the heart. He jumped up off the bed and began pacing. He walked to Blair and placed his hand softly on her stomach. He closed his eyes and felt the heartbeat of that other soul. The one that he had no claim on, no matter how much he wanted it.

Finally, Chuck came to a stop. "I guess you just couldn't settle for second-best. I guess you never could," Chuck muttered. "You always wanted your knight in shining armor, and now you've got him. Congratulations. I hope it feels wonderful." Chuck's words hit Blair painfully. "Remember to congratulate Nathaniel for me, will you?" He strode to the door. Blair visibly saw the waves of pain rolling off of him. She gasped, things locking into place in her mind. He spun around, concern etched on his face.

Her face was contorted into a look of outrage and understanding. She ran to her desk and ripped out the letter, tearing it open within seconds. Chuck just stood there paralyzed. Blair read her letter that she had written earlier that same evening then let out a small gasp and crumpled to the floor. Chuck ran over to her as she began to cry again.

All along, she hadn't realized that she was doing what made her feel so sick at night. She couldn't believe she had even begun to think of giving up the child that now lay buried in the warmth of her stomach. Because she knew who the father was and no matter how hard she tried, she could never get rid of anything that reminded her of him. This was a living, breathing reminder of what they were, or what they had been only a month before.

-


	6. Fake

-

"**We can never know what to want, because, living only one life, we can neither compare it with our previous lives nor perfect it in our lives to come."**

~"The Unbearable Lightness of Being"

_Flashback- Blair's memory (3 weeks before)_

"_Chuck!" Blair screamed. "Wait!" Why did she even feel the need to explain this to him? All he had ever done was screw her over and disappoint her. But there had been a few days when they had shared something so beautiful. They had only had sex once, but it was beautiful, meaningful sex. . The kind that you saw in movies between happy couples who were married. The kind of sex that is made after a reunion of long lost lovers, or of lovers at their last meeting. But that had only been one time. One time could ruin a lot. It already looked like it had ruined a lot. Less than 3 days later she was throwing his apologies back into the elevator that had brought him up to her penthouse, swearing him off. _

_Now, as she ran after him in the snow, she felt the need to explain this. This wasn't what it actually looked like. Nate and her were not dating. They were not together. They did not like each other any more than they ever had after their break-up. But now it was inevitable that they should be together. Nate's grandfather had mandated this relationship as a society standings requirement for Nate in order to inherit his fortune._

_The only person Blair could ever think of being with was Chuck. She had even confessed this to Nate. With no one else to talk to, she had exposed her secret to him. Nate had been ecstatic for her, but worried about Chuck. He was worried about his two best friends and how they would deal with this. Chuck wasn't exactly the best at dealing with these kinds of situations. He tried not to feel when he dealt with them. _

_And Blair really didn't have an option between the two men. No matter how much she wanted to be with Chuck, she was with Nate. Nate was sorry that he had done this to Blair. He was sorry that he had kept Blair and Chuck apart for this long in the first place. But now his family was requiring this relationship, and what could he do?_

"_Chuck!" she screamed again, her heart bleeding as she ran after him._

"_What?" he yelled, whipping around. The cold distorted his face. "What are you going to tell me? I knew this would happen. You just keep running back to your fairytale knight in shining armor. I can't believe you for a second. I thought maybe you had chosen me over him, but that doesn't seem to be possible. I'll always be the second choice to you. Second-rate. Well go ahead and have your fairytale ending, Blair. I couldn't care less." Chuck had frozen her where she was with his words. He stared at her for a moment, then turned and strode quickly away through the descending snow in Central Park._

_Blair knew it was wrong to be affected by his words. He was, after all, the one who had messed up that relationship. But she couldn't help but notice that he had come to her with an apology that day and she had turned him away. Now she wished that she had forgiven him. Not that it was so bad to be in a relationship with Nate…again. Even if it was a fake relationship. But she knew there was always going to be Chuck who she would rather be with. This fake relationship couldn't last much longer anyway. She couldn't help but notice the way Chuck's eyes flashed and the pain flitted across his face when he saw Blair kiss Nate. He saw Blair kiss Nate, just a friendly kiss, but one that would dominate the society pages for days. This relationship had gotten New York buzzing. Blair was actually surprised that Chuck hadn't found out sooner. Blair was helping a friend to help his family and Chuck had no right to be this angry. But of course he was, and deep down, Blair didn't blame him. _

_Somehow, it made Blair happy to know that he cared so much. What had he been doing, following her? The thought sent a shiver down her spine in the cold December air, but she secretly liked it. She wished Chuck would fight for her. Horribly, she compared him to Nate's perfect manners and his knightly ways. He would have fought for her. But Chuck wasn't like that. Or maybe Blair didn't know what he was like. All she knew was, that despite his ungentlemanly ways, his complete lack of manners, his dark persona, his drinking habit, and his womanizing, she was completely and irrevocably in love with him. It killed her to see him walk away._

_Blair raced after him, too late, and was not able to find him in the heavy drifts of December snow. Chuck had been the only one she ever wanted. The only one she ever cared enough about to even consider keeping this secret. Chuck had been her first…and her last. She cried for the loss, knowing even then what she was holding. Now she knew what she had to do. He didn't want her, she couldn't have him, and she had made her decision._

_Flashback end_

_-_

**Thanks for reading guys! Sorry for taking so long to update. I realized this story was too short and a little unrealistic, so I extended it and changed some of the plot points. There's a ton more drama coming their way, nd even more after this night is over. Keep reading! Reviews, as always, are appreciated and help me write. And if you have any ideas, suggestions for future chapters, or if there's something you'd like me to change, tell me!**

**xoxo**


	7. Choice

"**She said she was a person before they brought her down**

**She was better than this dark relentless town**

**She had another lover who kept her in a cage**

**She had sold her future and buried who she was**

**And I said**

**I can make you feel it."**

~Home Video "I Can Make You Feel It"

Blair sat across from Chuck on the floor, holding the letter loosely in her hands. She was shaking from her strangled sobs. Chuck couldn't even move to comfort her: he was too worried about comforting himself at the sight of her. This was the first time Chuck had actually looked at Blair since he had seen her throw up in her bathroom.

Now, Chuck saw how much of a mess she looked. Her hair was dirty in a loose bun, pulled back haphazardly from her face with no thought. The makeup that still remained on her face was smudged and her mascara was running. She looked not as if she hadn't put any effort into her appearance; that would have been uncharacteristic of a Waldorf and Chuck knew her better than that. Rather she looked like an outcast who was making a failed attempt at trying to imitate what a person was supposed to look like. Chuck could just imagine Blair's failed attempts at putting on makeup and choosing an outfit that matched. This saddened him for Blair was the most coordinated person he knew. Even her headbands matched her outfits and her mood. Chuck looked at her hair, searching for the headband he knew would be there, even now. What he saw disturbed the already raging state of his mind. Blair was wearing a thin black headband that barely showed up on her already-dark hair. The black reminded him of his father's funeral. He shuddered and knew that Blair was now in mourning. It was as if her crown had shrunk down to the measly size of this thin, sad headband with Blair's downfall.

Chuck stared at her, wondering what was going on. He faintly remembered his last encounter with her and the words he had so viciously spit at her. She and Nate had once again betrayed him. He had known it from the moment that he found Nate's jacket in Blair's entrance hall. He knew it now, but it didn't change how he felt. He wanted Blair to be his and only his. He knew this now, and he couldn't stand the thought of losing Blair again. Why had she had to spiral down so quickly? Why couldn't he have helped her? What reasons were there for choosing Nate over himself? But Chuck knew the answer. It was in the words she had spit at him while cavorting with Carter Baizen. He had not been there for her when she needed him. He had been investigating with Elle. Her life had crashed and burned and he had been too busy in himself to notice or care. None of this would have happened if she had accepted his apology after that brunch. And that would have happened if Chuck hadn't snorted coke and yelled at her for helping him. And that wouldn't have happened if he hadn't listened to his completely untrustworthy uncle, who was only there because of Bart's death. So, like most things, Chuck blamed this on his father.

Nate had been there to help her. He had been there to care for her after he had broken up with Vanessa. He had changed, but so had Chuck. And now Chuck knew that he was in love with this girl. He had changed for her. Change was an impossibility for Chuck. He was set in his ways and no one could tell him what to do. But she had broken through his barriers, destroyed the walls that surrounded him, and had brought him to her without even knowing it.

Her face was so different now, she seemed to be pleading for herself not for him. She handed him the letter and he put it down in front of him, worried about her.

"It's not his," Blair choked out with a strangled sob. Chuck continued to stare at her.

"Who then?" he asked, but he knew the answer. She had only been taken by two people, one of them being his dear Nathaniel, and the other being, of course, himself.

He understood her distress. Blair had not planned this and neither had he. This was not a part of her perfect life. And even if it was, it wasn't with him. He could never make her happy and it killed him every second of every day.

"Do you…" Chuck started, but he stopped and started again in a strangled voice. Of course she would want to get rid of it. It was his. She had made it clear that she didn't want to be with him by getting back together with Nate. Even though Chuck knew that she didn't want his help, he was going to be there for her. Chuck knew only one option. "Right. We'll get it out of you as soon as we can. I can send you to this hospital in France that I kno-"

"NO!" Blair yelled at him suddenly. She tossed the letter at him carelessly, putting her head in her hands. "I WON'T be Lily. I'm not going to… to… do THAT to_ our child!_"

Chuck stared at her, wondering why she was acting like this. Her words took him off guard. Why did she call it _our child?_ Chuck knew he had hurt her badly over and over again. How could she possibly want him back? He didn't even know why he had come here tonight. To apologize or hurt her more? It seemed that he was always hurting her. How could she want to keep any remnant of him after what he'd done to her?

Chuck picked up the letter, read it through ascertaining that he had been correct. He crumpled up the letter and tossed it into her garbage where he noticed there were similar-looking pieces of paper.

_God, she must have worked hard at this,_ he thought. He would have too, if he had had to choose between what he wanted and what was easy.

Blair stared at the wall, her eyes tearing. The easy choice was to stay with Nate, have the child, and pretend it was theirs. But what she really wanted was Chuck to be there for her. She knew she had hurt him by getting back with Nate. Their games had only hurt them both for as long as they could remember. He had kissed Vanessa and it had hurt her right back. That's all they seemed to do. They couldn't admit how they felt. All they did was hurt each other. Without planning and plotting a way to get back at each other, they couldn't last. The only way they could is if they admitted to their true feelings right then and there.

"You don't want this," he stated blankly. "Even if you want a child, it's not me you want it with. It's _him. _That fact seems pretty apparent by the letter you wrote…" He looked down at the floor in self-loathing. He would always be second best. Second best to his father. Second best to Nate. Second best to Blair. He couldn't blame them. He was nothing that was worth anything. He was nothing to anybody and he was nothing to himself.

Blair's silence caused him to look up. She was staring at him with a look of wonder and curiosity on her face. She just looked and looked at him until he couldn't stand it any longer. "What?" he snarled, breaking the silence. "Just…SAY WHAT YOU'RE THINKING! FOR ONCE." Goddammit, he needed a drink. This night was just getting longer and longer.

She didn't say anything. She just sat there, trying to communicate through her eyes. Finally he broke. He didn't run, he didn't scream, he didn't break anything tangible. Nothing but his own heart. He just got up, stared at her, then walked over to her desk and took out a piece of paper. He wrote slowly with the same cursive he had used that night he had left a note on her pillow and abandoned her. He took deep breaths to calm himself and his hand didn't shake once. He folded the heavy parchment and placed it at her feet, his eyes connecting with hers. Then he closed his eyes, stood up and left. He knew he would be back. He just didn't know when. That all depended on Blair's choice.

--


	8. We Hold These Truths To Be Self Evident

"**Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within.**"

~James Arthur Baldwin

--

It had been three weeks since Chuck had walked out of Blair's room and subsequently out of her life. She tried to be normal, and act as if nothing was wrong. She went to all of Nate's family functions, went shopping with Serena weekly, and continued to go to school. Spring was approaching, though there was still a chill in the air. Blair didn't show any signs of weakness, even though she threw up almost daily. She wanted to be strong for everyone. She needed to be strong. But she was so weak inside. She was lost.

She couldn't help but cry every time she thought of him. She couldn't help it. She read the folded parchment at least 5 times a day, and had already memorized what Chuck had written there so calmly and collectedly three nights ago, then thrown at her feet. The roles had somehow been reversed. He was calm and collected, and she was a mess. Unfortunately, this note was not something that Blair had wanted to memorize. However, she couldn't forget everything that the note had said.

_Dear Blair,_

_I am sorry. You do not seem to be able to make a choice any more than I am able to tell you what I feel. This has gone on too long, and I know that one of us has to be strong and tell the other everything. So here it goes because this is how I feel. I will only tell you this once, and after that it's all up to you._

_When I was a child, my father hated me. I know that it's not in a father's nature to hate their child. However, every time he looked at me, it was a look of cold, icy hate. I killed my mother. Not in the literal sense, but she died giving birth to me. My father never blamed me for it out right, but every time he looked at me, I saw it in his eyes. He expected me to fail at everything I did, and it didn't prove hard to live up to his expectations of me. As you know, I got high, I drank, and I womanized. Being with someone every night made me learn something. I was good at this, and it didn't feel like I was failing anymore. And I wasn't so alone anymore, either. I felt whole, like nothing was missing from my life. Nate was my best friend and I had you and Serena, even though I was never really close with her. My nights were filled with women and my days were spent getting high with Nate. And then everything changed. You remember the night, but you don't understand that night was a turning point for me._

_You were beautiful. It was striking and I couldn't believe I had never seen it before. Of course, I had noticed you were beautiful. I had wanted you from the very second I saw you when we were little children. But, as always, Nathanial beat me to it, and you seemed happy with him. He was what you wanted, always. I didn't want to ruin your level of perfection, your happiness. You were always so put together, so perfect. I admired you for it. For what I was never able to accomplish, no matter how hard I tried. You were something that I could never have. The one thing Chuck Bass could never buy or win or manipulate into having by dropping his name. That night I saw who you were. Who you truly were. And for the first time I saw something that I wanted but couldn't have. Of course, I took it anyway, but you were not truly mine that night. You were his. And the guilt that I felt killed me. But there was something else too. Something that, no matter how far I ran from it, I couldn't help but feel it. I tried to make myself believe it wasn't true. For the first time, I felt whole. Like nothing was missing. You completed a part of me that had been broken for such a long time. I didn't know it then, but I definitely knew it when you told me you loved me at my father's funeral. In that moment, I knew I could have had you. You could have been mine. But, I left you. You understand that I did it for you. I would only bring you down. I would ruin your perfection, your happiness. And now, no matter what games we play with each other, I need to tell you everything. You know most of it, but there are weights that you must bear when you know who Chuck Bass truly is. _

_I am Chuck Bass. This name can sum up a lot of things, which I am assumed to be. This name can get me into almost any hotel, restaurant, or store that I want. This name is all that I am, but only to other people. I say this only because I don't know who I am. Maybe saying my name will help me understand that I am a Bass, and this is who I'm supposed to be. I am not a lover. I don't know what love is, but I feel it. I feel it for you. I don't know how to say it. I never have. No one has ever told me they love me. Until you. You are the exception in my life. You are the one thing that always defies my parameters. Somehow, even though I hurt you, you love me. I don't understand it because I don't understand love. I am not the best for you, the smartest or the handsomest, or even the richest. I can't be your knight in shining armor. I am not a fighter. I am weak and I am a coward. I run from what I feel. I run from what others feel for me. I am not someone who fights for what he wants. I can't because I know that I will fail. Because everyone is better for you than I am. There is no one here who can compare to your level of perfection. Especially me. I can tell you the things I have done. The people I've slept with. But let's take it from an even perspective. I know you slept with my uncle. Normally, something like that would kill me. No matter how unfaithful I ever was to you, I never expected you to do that to me, no matter how hard it was. You were always there for me, and it's only now that I see you had no choice. I forgive you. I know it would have been too hard for you to tell me. And now I have to tell you something. I hope you are as forgiving as I am for you. I slept with Vanessa. It wasn't something I enjoyed doing, but the emptiness was clawing at me and you and Nate were making a fool of me for the last time. I pretended she was you, just like you told me to. That's all I ever do. And as you hate Vanessa, I hate my uncle. In any game, we would be even. But this isn't a game. I started it, but I'm finishing it now. I don't know what this love means, but I won't be like my father and push those who I love away from me. I need to try to tell you what this love means for me. _

_I love the way you wear a headband every day, how it makes you the queen. It's your crown, as you deserve it. I love the way you twirl that ruby ring on your finger every day when you're nervous. I love the way you fight back against me. I love the way that you don't give up and you always try to match me when I plan and plot. I love the way you know what you want and do anything to get it. I love the way you and Serena fight and make up yet you still love each other. I love the way you didn't want to be mine. I love the way you let loose. I love the way you look when you sleep. I love the way you make love to me. I love the way you smell like flowers and my cologne, even when we aren't together. I love the way you look in your clothes. I love the way you look in my clothes. I love the way you are smart and powerful. I love the way your hair falls around your face and your curls are always so perfect. I love the way your ruby lips always look and the way they part and scream my name. I love your porcelain skin. I love the way you insult me, yet don't mean it. I love how you don't fight fair. I love the way you smile. I love the way you are so passionate about what you want and who you love. I love when you dress up. I love when you try to impress me. I love the way you laugh in the summer. I love the smell of your hair. I love your chocolate eyes and everything they tell me every day. I love the way you look in the morning, when you wake up. I love that you are my best friend. I love how you make me feel like I'm home. I love that you're holding my child. I love the way you love me. And I love you too. _

_I love you, Blair. I would never be able to live without you. I don't want to live without you. I need you. I only stepped down from the ledge because I couldn't bear to hurt you any more than I already had. You are my everything. I have never told anyone this much about myself because I was afraid they wouldn't accept me for who I am. I am still afraid that you won't accept who I am, because what is there to love in me? And I'm scared, Blair. I told you this, last summer, when you asked what I was so scared of. Now I can tell you the answer to that question. I was scared of you seeing the real me. Why? Because once you saw the real me I thought you wouldn't want me anymore. Now you know everything about me. I hope you can still love me the way I love you. I don't expect you to love me. That would be selfish, even for me. I only expect you to tell me the truth. Like I have told you._

_But maybe, just maybe, I'm not Chuck Bass. In the literal sense, I am. But to you, I'm just Chuck. It doesn't matter to you what my last name is. All the weight that falls on my shoulders with that last name are gone whenever I'm with you. I'm just Chuck. I may be a better person when I'm around you. I may not drink as much, or womanize. I may be faithful and I may be happy for the first time in my life. We're Chuck and Blair. Blair and Chuck. And it doesn't matter what we're supposed to be, or who other people want us to be, or who other people think we are. We are us. And we're free from our world when we're together. And when we're together, I see what I can be. What I should be for you. And it's all possible. When I looked in your eyes and you said you loved me, I saw it. I saw how you saw me. How I would be. How I should be. Back then, I was scared. I ran from you because I was afraid of how you felt for me and how I felt for you, and how I was going to hurt you. But now, I see that I can be something else. I can be someone who doesn't hurt you. And now I'm going to be._

_Now you can choose between Nate and me. Or anyone else for that matter. All I want is for you to be happy. Please tell me when you know what you want. I hope you make the right choice. The right choice for you. Because, often, the choice isn't yours. I want you to choose what you want for once. Only you know what you want. I love you and all I want is your happiness. It's the only thing that matters to me anymore._

_I love you._

_Chuck_

Blair had read the note so many times, yet she couldn't help but read those last few lines over and over. Chuck loved her. She couldn't believe that Chuck had written this monumental letter. She couldn't believe that she had been chosen as having the honor of Chuck's life story. Of his only truth. This letter must have been extremely hard for him to write; yet Blair hadn't seen one trace of emotion flicker across Chuck's face as he wrote this. She credited this to his inability to show true emotions. She didn't understand how he had chosen her to know all of this. She didn't feel worthy. The whole night and the letter felt like a dream. She carried it with her everywhere. If she left it somewhere, it wouldn't be real any more. She needed to know it was true. Because it was all that mattered anymore. This was Chuck's truth. It was everything he had ever wanted to tell her, all in one letter.

And she couldn't help but be jealous of Vanessa. She knew it was wrong because she had slept with Chuck's uncle and never told him, but it seemed as though Chuck was now the more truthful of the two. Blair hated herself for never telling him about it. He had told her, and he had forgiven her, even though she had been untruthful to him. Blair was mystified as to the real reason he would do this. Usually, he would be extremely mad, furious with her. She had abandoned him in his time of need, yet he had just forgiven her. Maybe, just maybe, he was done with the games, done with the agony, done with the pain. Maybe he just wanted everything to be simple. Like Blair wanted everything to be simple.

Blair wished she knew how to face him now. It wasn't as if she didn't know where Chuck was. Gossip Girl continued to report that he was out and about, only with a slight change: he wasn't drinking, he was always alone, and wherever he went he always sat for a long time with no apparent purpose except just _being._ Blair had saved the one picture that had been posted of him on Gossip Girl. In the picture, he was sitting on a park bench alone, staring out at the lake in Central Park. Blair recognized the spot immediately. It was her favorite spot by the pond. She had gone there to feed the ducks since she was seven. It was also the spot where she had kissed Nate when they had gotten back together. How Chuck had known this was her favorite spot, Blair wasn't sure. But she was more concerned with how he looked. Chuck was dressed very oddly: dark-washed jeans with Italian loafers, a white button-down shirt, a sportscoat, and a navy peacoat. But odder than his clothes, was his posture. He was leaning back against the bench with his arms spread across the back of it, a faint smile on his face.

Blair was worried about him, but at the same time, she knew this was good for him. For the first time, he wasn't running. It was as if he was waiting, just being and waiting for Blair to find him. Now, she seemed to be the less worthy of the two. She wanted to be worthy of Chuck's honesty, of his love. She would be eventually. But for now, she needed to fix what she had left broken for so long. She needed to make this choice for once and for all. All Chuck wanted was her happiness and she was going to give it to him. She was going to make her choice, and then it would be over.


	9. Compensation

"**Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth**."

~Benjamin Disraeli

--

"What are you doing here you piece of shit?"

"Trying to fix this! Why won't you let me?"

"You don't deserve it. That's why, Nathanial! You get everything you want and you don't even have to work for it. Not everything can be fixed by your blue eyes and pretty boy looks!"

"Maybe not, but at least I make an effort. I'm just trying to help you, man—"

"Help me?"

Hard breathing. Three steps, then shouting.

"You've never helped me before _Nathanial_."

A sneer. Decadence seems to have corrupted his humanity.

"When my father died, _you_ weren't there, Blair was. When I opened Victrola, _you_ weren't there, Blair was. When I tried to kill myself—"

A sharp intake of breath. Ignorance.

"_YOU_ WEREN'T THERE. Blair was. That's all I need. You're a so-called 'buddy' but you're never there when it really matters. I was there to bail you out of your trouble with Carter Baizen. I was there to bail your family out of financial trouble when your father royally screwed you over."

Labored breathing. Expensive shirts crumpled as one boy grabbed the other by his collar.

"I was even there the whole time you and Blair went out. I helped you with all your gifts, all of your fights, all of your problems. And THIS is how you repay me? By taking the only girl I've ever loved? Even after I told you I was in love with her? A real friend _you_ are. You never even loved her, yet you can't let someone have her who does. I'm just done Nathanial. You can take your pretty boy looks and go fuck someone else over."

A drop as one boy let the other go and he hits the dust. Tears forming in both boys' eyes.

"But, Chuck, we've been best friends forever…"

"Well consider forever ending right about now."

"But…"

The tears overflow from Chuck's eyes. Nate stares at him in amazement. He has never seen this boy cry. Chuck's voice remains harsh.

"Go learn to be a better friend. And while you're at it, a better boyfriend."

His voice changes, becoming soft.

"All I ask is that you try to make Blair happy like I could have made her happy. All I want is for her to be happy. And if it's with you, then fine. But we're done."

Chuck turns to leave. His shoulders are slumped as he tries to repress the tears that are already flowing down his cheeks. His stone face looks pained with emotion. Chuck's shoes crunch against the gravel as he walks away, leaving Nate sitting in the dust staring after his retreating figure.

Nate rubbed his head, thinking hard. All he had done was try to talk to Chuck. Blair hadn't been able to tell him what was wrong, but he had noticed she was not the same lately. He was pretty sure it had to do with Chuck. Now he knew why Chuck was so annoyed, but he had no clue what was up with Blair.

The emotion he had just seen in Chuck had amazed him. He had never seen him show a flicker of emotion besides slight amusement and pleasure when his plans fell into place. This was so unlike him that Nate wasn't sure what to say. Chuck was a stone being, never moved by such trivial things such as love or sadness. His sadness was interior, bottled up so no one could see his weakness. But it was all displayed for Nate as Chuck professed his contempt for his best friend for taking the love of his life. This was so rare that Nate believed this show of emotions instantly as the truth behind Chuck's stone mask and lack of emotions. This was a weakness that Chuck would never admit to unless it was the cold, hard, undeniable truth. Chuck could not change this. He felt it so deeply that it was a part of him. And he only displayed it because he had finally come to terms with the fact that he couldn't deny it anymore. So Nate believed him instantly.

Nate was so annoyed with himself. How had he let himself do this? He was hurting Blair. He was hurting Chuck. All for his family. Suddenly, Nate thought of himself last year. He had almost gotten engaged to Blair right after they had broken up so that Blair's mother wouldn't break her business deal with his father. It was a thing he had done a year ago. He had gotten Blair all excited about getting back together, then he had dumped her once and for all. He had hurt her again. No matter what he did he seemed to hurt Blair. All because he didn't know what he wanted. Somehow this thought hit a nerve in Nate. He hadn't changed at all since last year? He was still putting himself before the other people he loved. Something about this seemed so wrong. Nate felt his blood boil, his heart pump faster, his fists clench. He wasn't just going to let this happen all over again. He was going to change this. He was going to stop his family's control over his life. He was ready to stand up for himself once and for all.

* * *

**Reviews=LOVE! Seriously, it keeps me going when I'm not in the mood to write!**

**xoxo**


	10. Newport Living

--

"**The attempt to combine wisdom and power has only rarely been successful and then only for a short while."**

~Albert Einstein

"**Everyone's a letdown; it just depends on how far down they can go."**

~Cute Is What We Aim For "Newport Living"

Nate didn't remember this house ever being this big. Ever. The five floors of the mansion in Connecticut seemed to ooze decadence. The lavish gardens took up ¾ths of the huge estate on the water, but the house was still as large as the Met. Nate looked up at the huge row of skylights above him and was met with a strong ray of sun that nearly blinded him. He looked back down and around the dark room as his eyes saw stars and spots.

For the amount of light that the skylights let into this mansion, it was awfully dark. The furniture probably had something to do with that. Dark, cherry and mahogany armoires, presidential desks, and end tables filled the many rooms. Heavy curtains shaded the windows that opened out onto five-tiered balconies overlooking the magnificently green, trimmed gardens. Presidential portraits of the many rich lines of heritage of Nate's family lined the wall in heavily gilded gold and dark wood frames with small glints of red on them as if they were dripping with blood, but these were only the small jewels planted into the wood.

It was the kind of mansion you saw in a fairytale like Cinderella. Nate could see a ball being held here and immediately understood why Blair had always loved coming here when they were younger. However, right now Nate felt completely out of place here, even though it was his family's house. His shirt was too stiff for him and his polo sweater was really starting to itch. Not to mention his pants. Nate's chinos looked clean and fresh but they were so ridiculously tight on him that he felt he was going to have a hernia just sitting down. This was 'the style of a young, respectable all-American boy'; the store attendant had told him. Nate just wished he could slip on some looser pants, a button-up shirt and a cotton sweater.

_Ahhh._ Nate could already feel the soft, smooth cotton on his skin instead of this itchy, viscose and wool blend that he had bought on the way up here at some J Crew store in a high-class mall.

"Damn, I knew I shouldn't have gone to that goddamn store," Nate muttered to himself. Right now, Nate was wishing he had listened to Blair's never-ending speeches on how a real boyfriend should dress and her litany of acceptable and non-acceptable stores to shop in. This had obviously not been one of the acceptable ones. Blair was into the proper things to wear, but even she wasn't this masochistic. Nate scratched his neck again and then rolled up the sleeves of the sweater to let his skin breathe. This felt good, so he rolled the sweater over his head and balled it up, throwing it into a closet in the back corner of the room. He spread his arms wide and let the breeze rustle over his now free neck and arms. He looked out over the gardens and wished he could feel free. All Nate had ever wanted was freedom. He closed his eyes, hoping for the freedom and emptiness that came with darkness.

"You look like the messiah," a deeply familiar voice rang out, shocking Nate out of his reverie and causing him to whip around with a glare.

Nate was silent for a moment as he registered this new person. Then, with as must Blair-Waldorf-venom as he could muster up, he set his face into a grimace and spat, "Well, we all know _you_ like to be the one playing God, _Grandfather._"

"No need for the venom, dear Nathanial," Nate's Grandfather spoke slowly and surely with a small smile on his face. He looked like he was enjoying this.

Nate just stared at him with a look of pure hatred.

"What? You don't even give your favorite Grandfather a hug, a handshake, a small smile, maybe?"

"You're my _only_ Grandfather," Nate muttered as a qualifier for liking the spoils of his persuasive and favorite Grandfather when he was a young boy. However, he stayed where he was. The look of fake-hurt on his Grandfather's face was irritating and out of place. Nate sighed internally and prepared himself to sucking up to his Grandfather.

Nate crossed the room towards his Grandfather and took the open hand, shaking it. However, Nate didn't seem to be able to force his body to be gentle with this man, and he ended up gripping his hand a little too tightly to be safe for the old man standing before him. But Nate knew this was no old man. This was the devil's worker, acting as God to the people around him.

"So, dear Nathanial,"—God, Nate hated when his Grandfather called him that. When Chuck said it, he was mocking the very foundation of Nate's proper society with all its rules and conduct and formalities. When Grandfather said it, it sounded more like a title, with strings and chains, and bars that kept him in his place—"to what do I owe this pleasure and surprise?"

Nate stood up straight and let his hand fall to his side, but he kept his eyes glued to his Grandfather's.

"I'd like to make a deal."

--


	11. Through His Lips to hers

**"There are two sighs of relief every night in the life of an opera manager. The first comes when the curtain goes up. The second sigh of relief comes when the final curtain goes down without any disaster, and one realizes, gratefully, that the miracle has happened again."**

~Rudolf Bing

--

Blair woke up for the third week in a row to the sun glaring through her shades. It wasn't really bothering her anymore. In fact, she felt relief. Relief, and something else. Nate shifted next to her, but she barely felt it. He felt so far away from her. Or she felt so far away from him. Her shape barely made an indent on the bed, betraying the fact that she had barely eaten in awhile, and when she had, she had thrown it up immediately.

On mornings like this, she would spare no glance at Nate as she got up and dressed, leaving the apartment as he was just starting to stir. This morning, she sat and thought. She had refused to have sex with him. Again. Blair didn't exactly know why she kept refusing to have sex with Nate. Last week it was because she was tired. Thursday she was sick. And last night, she had barely given a reason at all. Nate didn't even ask her anymore. They just went to bed, opposite sides, not touching at all. Goodnight on both ends. Then, as if their minds were connected, the lights turned off simultaneously at 9:45 PM. It was a well-choreographed dance, a mark of her obedience in this hollow life. For god sakes, it was a mask. Nevertheless, it was a mask that, until two nights ago, Blair had refused to take off or even think about removing.

Maybe she just was comfortable living in her fairytale, with her prince in her castle. That's what she forced herself to think on the nights when she would stay up until the early hours of the morning, when Nate thought she was peacefully asleep. These nights weren't lonely. Oh, no. They were so much more than that. Loneliness is missing something or someone you have. No, this is so much worse. This was a pull. A magnet pulling her to leave the apartment and run.

On these nights, she made plans. Or her heart made plans, while her mind told her off for making them. It was a constant stream of winding and unwinding until Nate woke up and she pulled on a smile, stiffly rose out of the bed and left the apartment. But no matter how many times she ignored these plans, unraveled them, she couldn't seem to stop making them.

She would wake in the middle of the night. Around 3 or 3:15 AM. Quietly, she would make her exit, wearing a nightgown and moderate coat, for it was still chilly outside, and some not-too-high heels. She would bring nothing. Nothing to tie her down, hold her back, remind her of what she had left. She would walk, not run to Madison. She wouldn't take a cab. This was something that needed walking. The Palace would look old and majestic, a castle to her, and she would again be reminded that this was always what she wanted. It was with whom that mattered. A man dressed in black with white, gloved hands would open the door. The concierge would be friendly, would know her name. The elevator ride wouldn't take long. She would step into the hall, which would be slightly darkened. Room 1812 would stand majestically at the end of the hallway, waiting to be chosen, begging for someone to care enough to put their hand on the golden knob and turn, not afraid of what they might find behind the door. The door taunted her, but at the same time it called out desperately with need. Needless to say, the door fascinated her. She would stride, not purposefully, but ashamed. She was obedient in this hallway, but it was not the same obedience as the apartment. In this hallway, she knew what she had done wrong. The door waited, the gold doorknob gleamed, not menacingly, but invitingly. She reached her hand out and turned it, expecting for the darkness inside to swallow her whole. The darkness inside the apartment wasn't scary, it was welcome. It was a void, a place where no one could feel anything. As she took a step, the black fog, smoke, particles, whatever it was, moved. She made a path through the dark living room to the bedroom, leaving a line of light behind her. There was less darkness in the room each time she visited it. In this most recent plan, there had been little blackness covering the form on the bed. But on her first visit, she had shivered at how much darkness filled the room. A thicker veil cocooned the figure on the bed warmly, wrapping him up in a void of non-emotion. She went and she sat and she touched the veil and it budged a little. She had to push for hours, days, years, before she was able to break small holes throughout the shell and reach the body within. The blackness cracked and fell off the boy as Blair cocooned him in her own type of shell. The beauty of the boy was not lost on her. He was not a man, a teenager, or a lover. He was just a boy and he didn't know what love was, or what he would do with it, even if he felt it. Holding him made him stronger, and as she held him he shined just a little more. The embrace wasn't sexual in any way. However, it was extremely intimate and anyone who saw this encounter would leave, feeling that maybe they had intruded on something so private and priceless as this type of love.

He would wake from his slumber and look at her, and maybe he would smile, maybe he wouldn't do anything at all. But either way, as she leaned in to kiss him, he responded with more passion and emotion that she had used to shine through his shell in the first place. His lips would transfer all pain, sorrow, happiness, regret, and love to her. And through this one body part, the truth spilled out, through his lips, into hers. She would break from him and they would stare at each other and it was passionate, heated, _alive. _They would make love. Not just have sex. They would make love, and they would fall asleep in each other's arms. And in the morning, the sun would shine through the shades, but Blair wouldn't notice because Chuck would block it out. And she wouldn't have to leave, she wouldn't have to pretend anymore, because the truth had passed between them the night before. From his lips to hers.

Maybe it wasn't all so simple like that. But Blair was not going to be a coward anymore. She would face up to the truth. She would give her ultimatum. Blair had a plan. She was sure it was a bad plan, but it was a plan nonetheless. It would hurt both Chuck and Nate, but she needed to go through with it. It was the only way that this would be done for once and all.

On these nights of plans, it was more often than not raining. Blair took this as a sign. The conflict raged outside, as she felt nothing inside. This shelter that Nate had created felt like she was trapped. Maybe she had always wanted to be loved, cherished, protected. But in this apartment, she was void of emotion as well as trouble. The truth was, Nate still didn't trust her. He would never trust her again. And Blair wasn't quite sure whether she could live with that.

The relief spread over Blair once again. She had made it through another night without leaving. Without running back to Chuck. Her raveling and unraveling had worked. Being productive was usually Blair's forte, but now she took a certain pleasure in being unproductive. Blair felt relief. Relief and _something else._

_Maybe I'm just too scared._ Maybe she was scared. No. Maybe she was terrified. Terrified of what it would do to Nate. What he would think. What he would do. What everyone would say. Blair was scared because if she carried out her plan, she would not be able to hide anymore. She would have to face the truth. And admitting to the truth was always the first step to vulnerability.

Blair slowly and meticulously dressed and paced to the kitchen where she filled her mug with coffee and grabbed the New York Times, before sitting on the couch and curling up to read.

Nate yawned and stretched in the other room as he looked to his side. He wasn't surprised to find that Blair had already woken and left. However, once he was done dressing, he was surprised to find her in the living room, reading. She looked engrossed in her article and didn't even notice him enter. She wasn't smiling, but she wasn't frowning. Her face was a careful mask of non-emotion. It didn't make it any easier for what he was about to do.

"Blair," he said as he got a cup of coffee and stood by the chair opposite the couch, not sitting down. He was afraid of sitting down. If he sat, he might lose it.

Her eyes found his and she smiled. He saw the stiffness of the smile.

"How did you sleep?" he asked. He asked this every morning. And every morning her answer was the same.

"Like a princess," she smiled. He nodded but didn't respond. She eyed him carefully. "What's wrong?"

Nate sighed. This would be a long talk. "Blair, we need to talk."

She looked at him and nodded slowly, gesturing for him to sit down. He took the seat reluctantly. "I know you didn't sleep well last night-"

"Nate," Blair said, a smile in her voice, but he cut her off ,giving her a look that let her know that he needed to say this.

"I know you didn't sleep last night. Or any other night for the last three weeks. But you can't keep going on like this. I know losing the baby has been painful, but you need to open up. Let someone in."

There were tears in Blair's eyes as she thought of her and Chuck's child that she had lost. Because she was too weak.

"Who?" Blair whispered as she looked down.

"That's what I want to talk about," Nate said, getting up and sitting down on the couch next to her. He placed his hand over hers and lifted her chin. "You are Blair Waldorf. You are strong and you will make it through this. I know you can. But I can't help you."

Blair's tears overflowed now. "Who then?"

"I know…." Nate started, then he looked down. This was a serious blow to his pride, but he didn't love Blair like his best friend did. He didn't deserve her. "I know about you and Chuck." He looked up at her and she eyed him, probably looking for any cracks in his mask, trying to find any signs of what she might do to her or Chuck now that he knew. "I know that it wasn't my baby, Blair. I know it was Chuck's. And I know that you stay up every night thinking about him."

Blair just stared at him, tears streaming down her face. "I want you to be happy," Nate whispered. "This will make you happy. I need you to be with Chuck, and not as a game this time. I need you to be together for real, because when you're not, I forget that you love him and he loves you and I have no business here. Maybe I never did. Maybe I was just another one of your pawns on the way to the prize in one of your little games with Chuck." Blair tried to tell him that he was far from that, he was their friend, but Nate's eyes shut her up. "You two need to work it out, and for real this time. I love you. But I'm not in love with you, Blair. I never will be again. I need you to be happy and the only way that will happen is if you stop being afraid to open that door and leave. I'm sorry I've stopped you from doing that for so long. I know I'm only getting in your way now. I'm sorry for not trusting you the way I should have. But truth be told, we were never meant for each other. And from the moment Chuck saw you, I knew. His eyes gave it all away. You were his first love and for him, you're it. You just need to believe Blair. You need to believe that when you open that door, the darkness won't swallow you up."

Nate finished his epic speech. This was more than she and Nate had said to each other in awhile. Blair was shocked. She pulled one of her hands out of Nate's and wiped her eyes. They looked at each other for a second. Then Nate got up and kissed her on the head before walking away. He opened the door as he passed.

Blair remained seated for a long time.

_You need to believe that when you open that door, the darkness won't swallow you up._ Darkness had always seemed to be such an unfriendly object. With darkness came fear, rejection, uncertainty, cold, unhappiness, and most of all, loneliness. She resented the darkness for all of these things. But she wasn't scared of it. She hated it. And those were definitely two different things. As the sun set on the Upper East Side, Blair's face began to be obscured in shadows until she decided to get up, go to the bedroom and pack. Nate followed her with his eyes.

"So you're breaking up with me?" Blair choked out after she threw all of her things in her two suitcases. She hadn't brought much here with her, and she wasn't leaving with much either.

"I'm letting you go," Nate sighed. "That's what I'm doing."

Blair stared at him unhappily for a few minutes, not breaking the tension.

"What are you going to do?" she asked.

"My grandfather had arranged for me to have a home closer to Columbia in exchange for my consent to be put in a position at the mayor's office," Nate said.

Blair smiled for him. "He has also arranged for you and Chuck's flight tomorrow evening to Tuscany. I hope both of you will be in attendance." This was said with more formality, however there was a pinching of the nose. Blair wasn't sure how to acknowledge everything that he had done for her tonight.

Blair looked at the clock. 9:45 PM. Blair dropped the suitcases and ran at Nate, enveloping him in a hug, then kissing him on the forehead. She kneeled down and kissed him softly for the last time. When they broke apart, she rested her forehead on his and whispered, "Thank you." Then she was gone. Nate put his head in his hands, then called his grandfather.

"It's done," he said.

"_Good. I'll have everything moved tomorrow. The plane tickets are ready to go whenever she feels the need to pick them up. You did right by her, Nate. Don't be too hard on yourself." _With that, the phone clicked and the conversation was over.

The door stood in front of her and called to her. She shied away from it, scared again. But it frowned at her and pouted, hoping to coax her out of her shelter. _Relief and something else._ That something else, Blair now knew, was disappointment. She was saddened by the fact that she had woke up this morning and she was not at the Palace in 1812, and that she was in fact still in Murray Hill, in a stiff, empty apartment, with someone she didn't love. That disappointment was now driving her. She looked up at the sky as she left the building, baggage in tow that Chuck would just have to accept. Night. Darkness. _Perfect._


End file.
